Far out boy scout!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought I'd had enough before, I sit here typing in my little home office, it reeks of smoke. Not cigarette, cigar, dope, bong or joint smoke, burning plastic, plaster and paper smoke!! You guessed it, a fire inside my home, so close to my ceiling, which is wood, my house could have literally burnt to the ground, if it had gotten into the ceiling or walls.

A fire started by so called "friends" of my son. I have told the police and I will be going ahead with getting these idiots (a nicer word than the one I was really thinking) charged. It is a long story so lets not go there tonight. I am literally frightened to go to bed tonight. The fire that happened was when I was asleep, I didn't even know it was started and extinguished until I woke up at 5:30 this morning. Apparently the back part of my house was so thick with smoke you could hardly see.

My son was very defensive, we had a huge argument about how the fire happened. We argued and butted heads most of the day. He is scared to tell me who started it. He knows I have rung the Police, so he knows, this won't be the end of it. They won't let this go and neither will I. At one point, at around 6 this morning, I just put my head in my hands and cried. I couldn't talk, I couldn't stop shaking. I told my son "I've had enough"! His comment, "So are you telling me you're gonna give up and kill yourself now?" That's when I snapped out of it, "No! I'm not done yet and won't be for a long time!"

How do I sleep safely and soundly tonight? I don't know. I thought I was emotionally exhausted before, I had no idea that it was possible to feel worse. I want out because I'm scared that something really bad will happen. I had a bad feeling all week, I can't explain, just in the pit of my stomach and the back of my mind I knew something was coming.

It's weird, through all this I have had so many people call me to see if I was OK. I even got sms's from a lady I work with occasionally just telling me to hang in there. She sent really nice words of encouragement, at just the right time I needed to hear them. So I know things are shit but in a really weird way something out there is looking out for me. I feel really down, but there is that little pin prick of hope that just won't fade, that keeps me going. I keep telling my son, good things are coming for both of us.

There are two things in life that I really enjoy, (actually 3 - my car, with the stereo pumped so loud I think it may be contributing to my possible partial deafness!)- the people I work with and I'm saving the best 'til last, Rob.

I love the people I work with, they don't judge, they always listen, they are like my family. They all have their own teenage problems, but best of all we can still laugh and smile and enjoy each others company. Corny hey?!

I've left Rob until last because out of everything happening in my life he is my anchor. He is my favourite. He keeps me on an even keel, he keeps me positive. No matter what is going on he can always bring a smile to my face. I just have to think about him and I feel good. And, most of all, a feeling I never thought I'd feel again - I love him.

But, I worry, a lot, that all my crazy never ending dramas will be too much. To be honest, I'm sick of hearing them myself. I worry all the crap going on will wipe out anything good he sees in me. I would find me an effort to have a relationship with, there is so much static going on in the background.

I'm sticking with the Multiverse theory, and I've almost explained the theory to my son.

This will pass. I just to have to hang in there, clutch onto the positives with all I have and keep plugging away. I am a survivor.

I am very positive....

.....that I do not want to be here anymore. I am losing momentum of getting out of this house. I haven't given up, not by a long shot, but it seems to be getting out of my reach. I was thinking today, I really don't know where I belong anymore and that is a very unsettling thought. There are only two places that I feel right about, my home is not one of them.

I am slowly losing my mind living here. It's just little things that happen here, like the sugar in my sugar container being replaced by salt, my coffee table coasters are on the bottom of my pool, I get home to find a pair of my Lacy underpants laid out on my bed, just the normal stuff that everyone expects to find. Right?!

I'm at the point of giving in a walking away, take it, I don't give a fuck anymore. Anything that really is of value to me is no longer in this house, except for my pets and my son. My son who lets this shit happen, it's out of his control and he won't let on why this stuff is happening or who the little arseholes are.

I hate the fact that all my possessions of value are no longer here. They are hidden, everywhere but in this house. Even all my important documents are gone, I know where they are, they're safe, they're not here. If my house disappeared tomorrow, I think I'd feel relief. I've said before this house has bad karma, I know it does. The behaviour Darren displayed now channels itself through my son. I still live on eggshells because you see, my son is now that angry man.

It hurts that the child who I was so close to, the kid I used to share a joke with, the kid who would go anywhere with me without question, the kid who was my mate, the kid who trusted me and often told me he loved me and gave hugs without being asked is now leaving, and God I miss him.

I feel to some degree it's my fault for not leaving when things were really bad. I kept promising him, "Trust me, I'll work something out, we'll be OK". I let him down. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. My choice was move out and protect my son and myself, with nowhere to go, or stay because I was worried sick about what Darren would do to himself. What a choice.

I know I said this would be my positive place, but this seems to be the place I get this stuff out. I get it off my chest, out in the open and then move on in the real world I live in. I have so many positives but sometimes the negatives just won't leave me the fuck alone.