I am very positive....

.....that I do not want to be here anymore. I am losing momentum of getting out of this house. I haven't given up, not by a long shot, but it seems to be getting out of my reach. I was thinking today, I really don't know where I belong anymore and that is a very unsettling thought. There are only two places that I feel right about, my home is not one of them.

I am slowly losing my mind living here. It's just little things that happen here, like the sugar in my sugar container being replaced by salt, my coffee table coasters are on the bottom of my pool, I get home to find a pair of my Lacy underpants laid out on my bed, just the normal stuff that everyone expects to find. Right?!

I'm at the point of giving in a walking away, take it, I don't give a fuck anymore. Anything that really is of value to me is no longer in this house, except for my pets and my son. My son who lets this shit happen, it's out of his control and he won't let on why this stuff is happening or who the little arseholes are.

I hate the fact that all my possessions of value are no longer here. They are hidden, everywhere but in this house. Even all my important documents are gone, I know where they are, they're safe, they're not here. If my house disappeared tomorrow, I think I'd feel relief. I've said before this house has bad karma, I know it does. The behaviour Darren displayed now channels itself through my son. I still live on eggshells because you see, my son is now that angry man.

It hurts that the child who I was so close to, the kid I used to share a joke with, the kid who would go anywhere with me without question, the kid who was my mate, the kid who trusted me and often told me he loved me and gave hugs without being asked is now leaving, and God I miss him.

I feel to some degree it's my fault for not leaving when things were really bad. I kept promising him, "Trust me, I'll work something out, we'll be OK". I let him down. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. My choice was move out and protect my son and myself, with nowhere to go, or stay because I was worried sick about what Darren would do to himself. What a choice.

I know I said this would be my positive place, but this seems to be the place I get this stuff out. I get it off my chest, out in the open and then move on in the real world I live in. I have so many positives but sometimes the negatives just won't leave me the fuck alone.