Wednesday, March 25, 2009


My house has sold, nearly. I got an offer a little less than I wanted but I took it. I saw the contract last night, I refused to sign. The buyers were making demands that would only cost me money that I really can't afford to spend. I felt like these people were pushing me, well that does not work with me. The real estate agent said I could lose the sale, so be it. I know I need to walk away from my home with no regrets about the sale. My house is all I have to sell to start again.

The Estate Agent rang today and the buyers agreed to my conditions. So the sale is happening, settlement has been set for 18th May, 7 weeks away. The contracts are sitting on my dining room table waiting for my signature. I read through them but can't put pen to paper. I want to sell, I want to go but I just felt really hesitant about signing them. My head and practical side tell me to sign but my heart hesitates. Why? This house has bad karma, I've said it before I know but it does. I have no happy memories of living in this place after 2005, none what so ever.

Signing the contract means I get to move away, start a fresh, my son comes back, my life will no longer be in a holding pattern. I am having doubts. I guess it is starting to hit home that I am actually going to do what I've been wanting to do for so long.

As I have been packing and cleaning (sort of) I found my journals from December 2006 onwards. I couldn't help it, I read them, some of the things I wrote, when things were really at their worst were shocking. But one thing that I saw about myself was I was always hopeful. It all feels so unreal now, a life time ago.

I deserve to be happy and content and I am in 80% of my life. I just need to sign those papers, move house and my unltimate goal - bring my son home. Only then will I be 100%.

I just needed to self talk tonight. I better get off my butt, get a pen and sign away!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Slap me now! Am I for real?!

I'm sitting here looking on the Internet for a St Joseph's statue. I am not even remotely Catholic. I have been told by quite a few people that, if you bury a St Joseph statue upside down facing away from your house, the house will sell. I wondered how Joseph's son would feel about that. I bet Jesus didn't know his Dad would become the patron saint of house selling.

OK, my weird sense of humour. I'll try and post some pictures. Do I buy the plastic, the ceramic or life like coloured St Joseph? How tall should he be? Four, eight or ten inches? Does the bigger and more colourful one make the sale happen quicker? That's when I thought I might need a reality check. What am I doing looking or even thinking that it will work?

My son is still away with his Dad. He wants to come home in March. I want him home. The only problem is I have worked so hard and put so much money into getting the house on the market, I know it would be a mistake. I can't afford more holes in my walls, I can't afford for the kids to start coming here everyday again. I can't even contemplate him being back in the environment he was in. Not with me but the people he was hanging around with. I know for a fact my son is not strong enough to stop our home invasion or say No to drugs.

His Dad told him that I needed to sort myself out before he came back. Sort myself out? I'm fine, it's our son that needs sorting out. His Dad is happy to have him but made me tell him that it is now my decision that he stays there. Nice hand ball! Of course now my son hates me, he is angry with me (again). I cannot talk to him, we butt heads, we go around in circles. I'm a fuck wit and only care about me. That is so far from the truth it's almost funny. If anything I rarely think about me, he has always come first. After nearly 18 years it's a hard habit to break.

My son needs his father now. He needs the male role model who won't take any crap. I couldn't do it. I tried my best but lost control. I did my best with our son for 16 years, he keeps bringing up the fact that if his parents had stayed together we wouldn't be where we are now. Maybe true but nothing can be done to change the past so we deal with the present and future. Water under bridge long ago, it's in the past. I am not a malicious person but I can't help but feel it's time his father stood up and took on his responsibility as his Dad. Up until now it's been me, through thick and thin. Now I'd like to share the love. Welcome to my life.

I know in my heart this is the right decision, no doubts. This is not the time for him to return, for his own sake. I need to sell and make the move before he has any opportunity to go back to his old habits. I don't know if I have said this before but tough love is tough, on the parent! I told my son he is in a better place at the moment, look at the bigger picture, just not what is happening right now.

And just to top it off work, which has been stress free for so long, has decided to up the ante. I won't go into it but I'm definitely working for the bucks of a manager's wage at the moment! I never stress about work when I come home, haven't for years. Now it feels a bit like payback time, because tonight I am stressed.

I am so content with my life in so many areas. I know who I am, I have a plan, I know where I am going. I feel comfortable in my skin again, not like I want to jump out of it. I actually like me!

Anyway, back to searching for St Joseph statues and I must remember to take a cutting of my jade plant to take with me when I move. Apparently it brings you money if you have a jade plant. Me superstitious? You betcha! Whatever works I say.

P.S (St Joseph wouldn't co-operate so here are some other pictures that fit with the heading - sort of!)

Photobucket Photobucket

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The ball is rolling.....


Since my son has been gone I have got heaps done around this place. The painting and plastering, new carpet, rooms rearranged etc. It has been easier, not without him, without the dead shit hanger oners that come here. I haven't done this without help and persistant pushing and encouragement from Rob, Helen, Trish, Esther, Paula, Bill, Liz and Lilian.

I managed to get a transfer to Dromana, within a day of applying, I got a yes from my boss Tony and Steve, my new boss. I hoped the fact I'd known Steve for nearly 13 years would work in my favour, thankfully he remembered me in a good light and my surname didn't count against me. I was stunned, work never responds quickly to anything. OK, I sent that letter with the thought, if the transfer was approved it was a sign from my multiverse. She replied pretty quick. It's time to go and I mean now!

This weekend Rob stayed and he is a hard task master. Kidding. I knew he was pushing me to be motivated. We got so much done, even the Foxtel guy helped shift a sofa bed! It is what I need, to be pushed and motivated, once I start I'm OK. My house is starting to come together, even the green pool is starting to co-operate! It is starting to look so good I want to buy it. It will sell, I know it will and I know I will get the price I want.

I should feel excited, but I guess it's the cynic in me, I am a positive person but I still keep that little sceptical side. I don't believe it until I see it, feel it, touch it. It ain't real until I'm living it. I look forward to the move and a fresh start somewhere completely new. I know it's going to happen, I just want to be there. For a while there, I felt like, when I reached my hand out I felt nothing, just a void. Now I can feel something, just on my fingertips, it's almost mine.

While all this is happening here, my son is never a moment from my thoughts. I miss him terribly. I know he is in the right place for now and I know things were not good for him here. For the first time since he's been away we actually spoke civilly on the phone tonight, he even said he loved me before he hung up. I have to remind myself how awful he was to me when he was here, now I know why. I have really feel like I'm missing a limb. Maybe it's the optimist in me, that one day I'll have my son back and we'll be OK together. I know he is 4 months away from being an adult but he is the only family I have.

Anyway I have no choice but to go with the flow, my future is waiting. It's like everything is starting to fall into place, finally things are looking up. It almost feels like it's already decided, I just need to buy a ticket and hop on board. I have a feeling that this is just the beginning.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Really alone here now.........

I should be so pleased and relieved tonight, but I'm not. My son is not coming home, for how long I don't know. He and his Dad decided he should stay for a while until he gets the help he needs. I know in my heart it is the best out come at this point but I still hurt.

I didn't know until today he was staying away. I spoke to his Dad and all I did was get emotional. I couldn't stop the tears, my kid, my baby. This person who has always been with me for nearly 18 years now. I guess this is "tough love" but I'm not sure who it's tougher on!

All sorts of thoughts were going through my head, "He'll never see this place again", "He may decide never to come home", "He'll decide living with me was terrible", "I didn't do enough to help him", and the worst of all "I hate her".

I drove home tonight with a sick empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Life with my son, in this house was terrible for both of us. We never stood a chance. There is no denying the love between us as mother and son, but fuck we got it wrong.

I was talking to my friend Helen tonight and I told her about my son going away. She thinks it's a good thing for me, some space, some time to sort things out. She is right. When I told her I feel like I am REALLY alone here now, her comment "No you are not alone, ever, you have so many people looking out for you."

There is so much happening at this point in time, it's an emotional roller coaster. I do feel like I'm on a diving board, 20 metres high, about to take a huge plunge. Take a huge breath Dayelle. Dive in!!.....and just keep swimming......

Monday, January 12, 2009

Unrelated quotes that I liked the sound of.....

"If you can't handle me at my worst,
then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
~~ Marilyn Monroe

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."
~~ Bernard Meltzer

" Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
-- Unknown.

No reason really, they just caught my fancy.... thought I'd share.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Far out boy scout!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought I'd had enough before, I sit here typing in my little home office, it reeks of smoke. Not cigarette, cigar, dope, bong or joint smoke, burning plastic, plaster and paper smoke!! You guessed it, a fire inside my home, so close to my ceiling, which is wood, my house could have literally burnt to the ground, if it had gotten into the ceiling or walls.

A fire started by so called "friends" of my son. I have told the police and I will be going ahead with getting these idiots (a nicer word than the one I was really thinking) charged. It is a long story so lets not go there tonight. I am literally frightened to go to bed tonight. The fire that happened was when I was asleep, I didn't even know it was started and extinguished until I woke up at 5:30 this morning. Apparently the back part of my house was so thick with smoke you could hardly see.

My son was very defensive, we had a huge argument about how the fire happened. We argued and butted heads most of the day. He is scared to tell me who started it. He knows I have rung the Police, so he knows, this won't be the end of it. They won't let this go and neither will I. At one point, at around 6 this morning, I just put my head in my hands and cried. I couldn't talk, I couldn't stop shaking. I told my son "I've had enough"! His comment, "So are you telling me you're gonna give up and kill yourself now?" That's when I snapped out of it, "No! I'm not done yet and won't be for a long time!"

How do I sleep safely and soundly tonight? I don't know. I thought I was emotionally exhausted before, I had no idea that it was possible to feel worse. I want out because I'm scared that something really bad will happen. I had a bad feeling all week, I can't explain, just in the pit of my stomach and the back of my mind I knew something was coming.

It's weird, through all this I have had so many people call me to see if I was OK. I even got sms's from a lady I work with occasionally just telling me to hang in there. She sent really nice words of encouragement, at just the right time I needed to hear them. So I know things are shit but in a really weird way something out there is looking out for me. I feel really down, but there is that little pin prick of hope that just won't fade, that keeps me going. I keep telling my son, good things are coming for both of us.

There are two things in life that I really enjoy, (actually 3 - my car, with the stereo pumped so loud I think it may be contributing to my possible partial deafness!)- the people I work with and I'm saving the best 'til last, Rob.

I love the people I work with, they don't judge, they always listen, they are like my family. They all have their own teenage problems, but best of all we can still laugh and smile and enjoy each others company. Corny hey?!

I've left Rob until last because out of everything happening in my life he is my anchor. He is my favourite. He keeps me on an even keel, he keeps me positive. No matter what is going on he can always bring a smile to my face. I just have to think about him and I feel good. And, most of all, a feeling I never thought I'd feel again - I love him.

But, I worry, a lot, that all my crazy never ending dramas will be too much. To be honest, I'm sick of hearing them myself. I worry all the crap going on will wipe out anything good he sees in me. I would find me an effort to have a relationship with, there is so much static going on in the background.

I'm sticking with the Multiverse theory, and I've almost explained the theory to my son.

This will pass. I just to have to hang in there, clutch onto the positives with all I have and keep plugging away. I am a survivor.

Friday, December 5, 2008

I am very positive....

.....that I do not want to be here anymore. I am losing momentum of getting out of this house. I haven't given up, not by a long shot, but it seems to be getting out of my reach. I was thinking today, I really don't know where I belong anymore and that is a very unsettling thought. There are only two places that I feel right about, my home is not one of them.

I am slowly losing my mind living here. It's just little things that happen here, like the sugar in my sugar container being replaced by salt, my coffee table coasters are on the bottom of my pool, I get home to find a pair of my Lacy underpants laid out on my bed, just the normal stuff that everyone expects to find. Right?!

I'm at the point of giving in a walking away, take it, I don't give a fuck anymore. Anything that really is of value to me is no longer in this house, except for my pets and my son. My son who lets this shit happen, it's out of his control and he won't let on why this stuff is happening or who the little arseholes are.

I hate the fact that all my possessions of value are no longer here. They are hidden, everywhere but in this house. Even all my important documents are gone, I know where they are, they're safe, they're not here. If my house disappeared tomorrow, I think I'd feel relief. I've said before this house has bad karma, I know it does. The behaviour Darren displayed now channels itself through my son. I still live on eggshells because you see, my son is now that angry man.

It hurts that the child who I was so close to, the kid I used to share a joke with, the kid who would go anywhere with me without question, the kid who was my mate, the kid who trusted me and often told me he loved me and gave hugs without being asked is now leaving, and God I miss him.

I feel to some degree it's my fault for not leaving when things were really bad. I kept promising him, "Trust me, I'll work something out, we'll be OK". I let him down. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. My choice was move out and protect my son and myself, with nowhere to go, or stay because I was worried sick about what Darren would do to himself. What a choice.

I know I said this would be my positive place, but this seems to be the place I get this stuff out. I get it off my chest, out in the open and then move on in the real world I live in. I have so many positives but sometimes the negatives just won't leave me the fuck alone.