Really alone here now.........

I should be so pleased and relieved tonight, but I'm not. My son is not coming home, for how long I don't know. He and his Dad decided he should stay for a while until he gets the help he needs. I know in my heart it is the best out come at this point but I still hurt.

I didn't know until today he was staying away. I spoke to his Dad and all I did was get emotional. I couldn't stop the tears, my kid, my baby. This person who has always been with me for nearly 18 years now. I guess this is "tough love" but I'm not sure who it's tougher on!

All sorts of thoughts were going through my head, "He'll never see this place again", "He may decide never to come home", "He'll decide living with me was terrible", "I didn't do enough to help him", and the worst of all "I hate her".

I drove home tonight with a sick empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Life with my son, in this house was terrible for both of us. We never stood a chance. There is no denying the love between us as mother and son, but fuck we got it wrong.

I was talking to my friend Helen tonight and I told her about my son going away. She thinks it's a good thing for me, some space, some time to sort things out. She is right. When I told her I feel like I am REALLY alone here now, her comment "No you are not alone, ever, you have so many people looking out for you."

There is so much happening at this point in time, it's an emotional roller coaster. I do feel like I'm on a diving board, 20 metres high, about to take a huge plunge. Take a huge breath Dayelle. Dive in!!.....and just keep swimming......