The ball is rolling.....

Since my son has been gone I have got heaps done around this place. The painting and plastering, new carpet, rooms rearranged etc. It has been easier, not without him, without the dead shit hanger oners that come here. I haven't done this without help and persistant pushing and encouragement from Rob, Helen, Trish, Esther, Paula, Bill, Liz and Lilian.

I managed to get a transfer to Dromana, within a day of applying, I got a yes from my boss Tony and Steve, my new boss. I hoped the fact I'd known Steve for nearly 13 years would work in my favour, thankfully he remembered me in a good light and my surname didn't count against me. I was stunned, work never responds quickly to anything. OK, I sent that letter with the thought, if the transfer was approved it was a sign from my multiverse. She replied pretty quick. It's time to go and I mean now!

This weekend Rob stayed and he is a hard task master. Kidding. I knew he was pushing me to be motivated. We got so much done, even the Foxtel guy helped shift a sofa bed! It is what I need, to be pushed and motivated, once I start I'm OK. My house is starting to come together, even the green pool is starting to co-operate! It is starting to look so good I want to buy it. It will sell, I know it will and I know I will get the price I want.

I should feel excited, but I guess it's the cynic in me, I am a positive person but I still keep that little sceptical side. I don't believe it until I see it, feel it, touch it. It ain't real until I'm living it. I look forward to the move and a fresh start somewhere completely new. I know it's going to happen, I just want to be there. For a while there, I felt like, when I reached my hand out I felt nothing, just a void. Now I can feel something, just on my fingertips, it's almost mine.

While all this is happening here, my son is never a moment from my thoughts. I miss him terribly. I know he is in the right place for now and I know things were not good for him here. For the first time since he's been away we actually spoke civilly on the phone tonight, he even said he loved me before he hung up. I have to remind myself how awful he was to me when he was here, now I know why. I have really feel like I'm missing a limb. Maybe it's the optimist in me, that one day I'll have my son back and we'll be OK together. I know he is 4 months away from being an adult but he is the only family I have.

Anyway I have no choice but to go with the flow, my future is waiting. It's like everything is starting to fall into place, finally things are looking up. It almost feels like it's already decided, I just need to buy a ticket and hop on board. I have a feeling that this is just the beginning.

Really alone here now.........

I should be so pleased and relieved tonight, but I'm not. My son is not coming home, for how long I don't know. He and his Dad decided he should stay for a while until he gets the help he needs. I know in my heart it is the best out come at this point but I still hurt.

I didn't know until today he was staying away. I spoke to his Dad and all I did was get emotional. I couldn't stop the tears, my kid, my baby. This person who has always been with me for nearly 18 years now. I guess this is "tough love" but I'm not sure who it's tougher on!

All sorts of thoughts were going through my head, "He'll never see this place again", "He may decide never to come home", "He'll decide living with me was terrible", "I didn't do enough to help him", and the worst of all "I hate her".

I drove home tonight with a sick empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Life with my son, in this house was terrible for both of us. We never stood a chance. There is no denying the love between us as mother and son, but fuck we got it wrong.

I was talking to my friend Helen tonight and I told her about my son going away. She thinks it's a good thing for me, some space, some time to sort things out. She is right. When I told her I feel like I am REALLY alone here now, her comment "No you are not alone, ever, you have so many people looking out for you."

There is so much happening at this point in time, it's an emotional roller coaster. I do feel like I'm on a diving board, 20 metres high, about to take a huge plunge. Take a huge breath Dayelle. Dive in!!.....and just keep swimming......

Unrelated quotes that I liked the sound of.....

"If you can't handle me at my worst,
then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
~~ Marilyn Monroe

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."
~~ Bernard Meltzer

" Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
-- Unknown.

No reason really, they just caught my fancy.... thought I'd share.