Far out boy scout!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought I'd had enough before, I sit here typing in my little home office, it reeks of smoke. Not cigarette, cigar, dope, bong or joint smoke, burning plastic, plaster and paper smoke!! You guessed it, a fire inside my home, so close to my ceiling, which is wood, my house could have literally burnt to the ground, if it had gotten into the ceiling or walls.

A fire started by so called "friends" of my son. I have told the police and I will be going ahead with getting these idiots (a nicer word than the one I was really thinking) charged. It is a long story so lets not go there tonight. I am literally frightened to go to bed tonight. The fire that happened was when I was asleep, I didn't even know it was started and extinguished until I woke up at 5:30 this morning. Apparently the back part of my house was so thick with smoke you could hardly see.

My son was very defensive, we had a huge argument about how the fire happened. We argued and butted heads most of the day. He is scared to tell me who started it. He knows I have rung the Police, so he knows, this won't be the end of it. They won't let this go and neither will I. At one point, at around 6 this morning, I just put my head in my hands and cried. I couldn't talk, I couldn't stop shaking. I told my son "I've had enough"! His comment, "So are you telling me you're gonna give up and kill yourself now?" That's when I snapped out of it, "No! I'm not done yet and won't be for a long time!"

How do I sleep safely and soundly tonight? I don't know. I thought I was emotionally exhausted before, I had no idea that it was possible to feel worse. I want out because I'm scared that something really bad will happen. I had a bad feeling all week, I can't explain, just in the pit of my stomach and the back of my mind I knew something was coming.

It's weird, through all this I have had so many people call me to see if I was OK. I even got sms's from a lady I work with occasionally just telling me to hang in there. She sent really nice words of encouragement, at just the right time I needed to hear them. So I know things are shit but in a really weird way something out there is looking out for me. I feel really down, but there is that little pin prick of hope that just won't fade, that keeps me going. I keep telling my son, good things are coming for both of us.

There are two things in life that I really enjoy, (actually 3 - my car, with the stereo pumped so loud I think it may be contributing to my possible partial deafness!)- the people I work with and I'm saving the best 'til last, Rob.

I love the people I work with, they don't judge, they always listen, they are like my family. They all have their own teenage problems, but best of all we can still laugh and smile and enjoy each others company. Corny hey?!

I've left Rob until last because out of everything happening in my life he is my anchor. He is my favourite. He keeps me on an even keel, he keeps me positive. No matter what is going on he can always bring a smile to my face. I just have to think about him and I feel good. And, most of all, a feeling I never thought I'd feel again - I love him.

But, I worry, a lot, that all my crazy never ending dramas will be too much. To be honest, I'm sick of hearing them myself. I worry all the crap going on will wipe out anything good he sees in me. I would find me an effort to have a relationship with, there is so much static going on in the background.

I'm sticking with the Multiverse theory, and I've almost explained the theory to my son.

This will pass. I just to have to hang in there, clutch onto the positives with all I have and keep plugging away. I am a survivor.

I am very positive....

.....that I do not want to be here anymore. I am losing momentum of getting out of this house. I haven't given up, not by a long shot, but it seems to be getting out of my reach. I was thinking today, I really don't know where I belong anymore and that is a very unsettling thought. There are only two places that I feel right about, my home is not one of them.

I am slowly losing my mind living here. It's just little things that happen here, like the sugar in my sugar container being replaced by salt, my coffee table coasters are on the bottom of my pool, I get home to find a pair of my Lacy underpants laid out on my bed, just the normal stuff that everyone expects to find. Right?!

I'm at the point of giving in a walking away, take it, I don't give a fuck anymore. Anything that really is of value to me is no longer in this house, except for my pets and my son. My son who lets this shit happen, it's out of his control and he won't let on why this stuff is happening or who the little arseholes are.

I hate the fact that all my possessions of value are no longer here. They are hidden, everywhere but in this house. Even all my important documents are gone, I know where they are, they're safe, they're not here. If my house disappeared tomorrow, I think I'd feel relief. I've said before this house has bad karma, I know it does. The behaviour Darren displayed now channels itself through my son. I still live on eggshells because you see, my son is now that angry man.

It hurts that the child who I was so close to, the kid I used to share a joke with, the kid who would go anywhere with me without question, the kid who was my mate, the kid who trusted me and often told me he loved me and gave hugs without being asked is now leaving, and God I miss him.

I feel to some degree it's my fault for not leaving when things were really bad. I kept promising him, "Trust me, I'll work something out, we'll be OK". I let him down. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. My choice was move out and protect my son and myself, with nowhere to go, or stay because I was worried sick about what Darren would do to himself. What a choice.

I know I said this would be my positive place, but this seems to be the place I get this stuff out. I get it off my chest, out in the open and then move on in the real world I live in. I have so many positives but sometimes the negatives just won't leave me the fuck alone.

Disheartened

I probably shouldn't blog right now because I'm not feeling very positive tonight. I have the house to myself and I just feel depressed. I'm pushing myself to sell my house, but it feels like two steps forward and one step back every time. I just want it on the market, but it feels like every time one thing is fixed, there is another thing that needs doing (thanks to my son for some of it).

I started so motivated, now I'm struggling to find the energy. I need out NOW! I don't know where I'll go, the property 3 suburbs away is not far enough away. One lady I worked with said I needed to move to the moon. That sounds pretty good tonight.

I am so disheartened, I just want to put my head in my hands and admit defeat. I am tired of never having a moments rest, work is getting busy and most days I never know what to expect when I get home. That's it, I am mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm really wondering where I'll find the resources in me to keep doing this.

OK, pity party over, tomorrows another day, I know I'll get up, put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe. Just keep reminding yourself Dayelle one thing at a time. I know I have a great support network of people I can call on so I think now is the time to ask for HELP!

I need to remind myself that this will pass, there are good things in my life. I have a man who loves me (despite all the crap going on) I have good friends, I'm employed and actually enjoy the group I work with, they're like family to me. I own my home, I am not in debt and I own a car that I get so much pleasure out of driving. My new car that my counsellor said was a positive step when I bought it! So I know there are more positives in my life than negatives but sometimes it's hard to see that.

I did want to add two pictures that made me laugh tonight, but I have no idea where they have gone!!


Oops, well look at that!!!! There they are!!!!!

The closet skeletons let loose

I haven't written here for quite a while, so here I go. I read an article today that said you should be careful about what you put in your blog, it might come back to bite you. I figure that's not an issue for me because the truth doesn't bite, in my case it already has, and now it's history.

I know I've talked about living on eggshells when Darren was alive, I've glossed over how really awful it was for my son and I, it's been a secret I couldn't tell anyone. It was something that changed both of us and, unfortunately, will always be a part of our history. I lived in a world where I got used to walking away from hearing how useless and not worth a pinch of shit I was. Don't fight, just walk away, no point, switch off and hope to hell tomorrow's better.

I knew one day there would be a time I'd have to confess, I'd have to explain the person I'd become, scared, untrusting and literally terrified of showing my true feelings. I lived in self preservation mode for so long, not by choice but out of necessity, I didn't realise how much of a shell I'd grown. Actually, to be honest I did know, but there was never a reason to crack that shell.

I believe everything happens for a reason and what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. I'm still standing and I will be for a long time yet, I've got too many things to do, places to go and people to meet. I am worth it!

Now I've met someone I care about and love, and I've always worried how I'd be perceived when the time for confession came. I feel like I've let the skeletons out of the closet and I'm not sure what they'll do. (I guess if they really piss me off I can stuff them back in the closet and padlock it!)

OK Elismerem én ne csak szeretni,Rob, én vagyok a szerelem! Én már azt akarta mondani az elmúlt néhány hét de éppen nem lehet megszerezni a ". Így itt az én blog, itt akart a frissítés, itt egyenes a szívet, és ki nem a világháló.

Making that decision happen...

I stand firm in my decision to move. I have found a place I like and made an offer, I like doing things backwards, I haven't even put this place on the market. I thought I'd feel sad about selling this house, the place that had so many high hopes but turned to shit instead. I don't, it holds nothing for me, I can't wait to be rid of it, it has bad karma about it now. My son is so resistant to moving and I know he is going to make it as hard as possible to move.

The sight of Real Estate agents going through the house making notes, handy men arriving and me packing boxes scares the hell out of my son. The fact I made an offer on a townhouse 3 suburbs away sends him over the edge, he refuses to see the chance of a fresh start for both of us as a positive step. I know, without a doubt, it is the best decision for our future. Remaining here is not an option anymore.

So, me the great procrastinator, is doing the usual, wait until your back is against the wall and then hit panic stations. Well, not that bad, but when I have a clear vision of what I need to do, I'll do it, come hell or high water.

The offer on the town house would have been accepted IF my house was on the market, which it isn't YET. One of the Estate Agents came back with a valuation on my house and a good advertising campaign and a reasonable commission. She tells me once I have decluttered my house and have it up to scratch it can be up for sale within 24 hours. So much has happened this week, my son was supposed to fly interstate to spend time with his Dad, he ran away at the airport and refused to board the plane.

I was really looking forward to a week of peace to organise a few things and have some seriously needed sanity time. My son made some admissions to his Dad about himself, things I suspected but he constantly denied. So now I have time off work to organise appointments for him with a doctor and a psychologist. I managed to get him to the doctor, the next battle is to the psychologist appointment. He is fighting me all the way on this and it is a real uphill battle. He made promises to me and his Dad that he would seek help, it's just making him keep his end of the bargain now. People tell me, one day my son will thank me for what I am doing now, at the moment it feels like he hates me.

And to think I could have been in Port Douglas this week. I know I said Sundays were too far apart but this week it's hit me how much I value my Sundays with Rob. Not just for the sanity time. It has dawned on me how much I've missed him this week. The feelings I have for him have snuck up on me, I didn't expect to feel this way. I didn't know if this could work, didn't know how much we had in common. I think we are good for each other and the more I see the more I like. I know distance is an issue but it's one I think we can work around. Hope he feels the same, hope he can see the sane person lurking behind all the craziness. If all this stuff wasn't happening with my son, I think I could almost say I feel contentment in my life again.

There is so much I want to say but I think I'll say it in person rather than through my blog. Hmmmm.........the next installment.........

OK my decision has been made

Fourteen months ago I was ready to sell up and leave my home. I didn't know where I wanted to go, I just wanted to go. I wanted out of this place so badly, but made myself stay until I could make a logical decision. Apparently you shouldn't make any major decisions for at least a year, the fog lifts and abracadabra your brain grows back.

I have hung on, I've put up with vandalism, theft, kids coming and going all hours of the day and night, having to hide food and valuables in my house so I'd know they'd still be here when I got home. Your home is a place that should be your haven. It's where you should feel safe and comfortable, I don't anymore and neither does my son.

I know my son is hanging with the wrong crowd and I have had so many people tell me over the last week, get him out now before it's too late. Enough said. I admit defeat, I can't fight anymore, I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. Darren always told me I turned a blind eye to things I didn't want to deal with. He was right.

Blinkers off, time to move on and up. Time to make a fresh start. But I have to admit deep down I am shit scared. I just want to wake up and be in my new place, wherever the hell that is.

Something good amongst the crazy

Alright I've done the negative post. I love my son dearly but I must admit, at times, I just can't get through to him. There is always something going on, some new drama. It feels like somebody up there thinks I need to to be tested, just to see if I can stand it. "Hmmmm...wonder if this one wil break her?"
Not yet, Not yet. Not ever.

Anyway, despite the craziness of my life here I've found some sanity. I've found a place to go where I don't feel stressed, I feel comfortable, happy, safe and most of all hopeful. It's not really a place at all it's a man I've been spending time with. I like him and he's made me see just how guarded and distrustful I have been of letting anyone in for so long. I didn't even see I was like that.

I can feel my barriers dropping little by little the more I see him. If he reads this I hope he figures out who I am talking about. He makes me laugh and he makes me feel like maybe I do matter and maybe I'm not really crazy after all. I really enjoy spending our Sundays together but now Sundays are sarting to feel too short and too far apart.

Trying hard to be positive for both of us!

I wanted to feel good and only post happy stuff. But what do you do when you are worried about your only child? How do you get them to be positive when you suspect they might be suffering depression? In the past two weeks my son has been dumped by his girlfriend and then kicked out of school for non attendance. Non attendance, because he couldn't sleep at night and then couldn't wake up in the mornings.

He thinks he's a loser, I tell him he's not. How many kids at his school lost a parent? Ok Step parent, but still someone who had lived with him for most of his life. Our home life was so complicated, ugly and "walking on egg shells" for the last year or so before Darren died. How do you deal with your feelings? How confusing for a teenage boy who is almost an adult?

Not really what I meant to talk about but it is something that is really bothering me. It's tough working out yourself as well as your child. It's tough being strong and in control of yourself as well as your child.

I'll just do as I say I will, I'll back him up no matter what, I'll always love him, I'll take the time to listen to him and I will always be here when he needs me. I tell him we'll work this out and I know somehow, we bloody well will. Don't know how yet, but I am very positive.

The Dash - by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning...to the end.
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He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears,but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.
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For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth...and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.
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For it matters not, how much we own; the cars....the house...the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.
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So think about this long and hard...are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left. (You could be at "dash midrange.")
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If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real, and always try to understand the way other people feel.
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And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we've never loved before.
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If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile...remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.
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So, when your eulogy's being read with your life's actions to rehash...would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash?

I can't remember where I found that poem but I liked the words. It made me appreciate my life and the people in it. My wealth and riches come from my personal life, if I invest they can only grow and flourish. A wise investment for the future and the spending of my dash.

It's all on the up........

I only want to post stuff that is positive from now on, happy, happy, happy stuff. I actually started this blog of mine so I would have somewhere to put song lyrics I liked, photos and new words and phrases that I wanted to remember. I have a habit of jotting this stuff down on post it notes, and either forgetting where I put them or hiding them from myself particularly well so that I never see them again.

I found a song by Superchicks on the Internet called "We Live" - the gist of the song is even though tragedies and horrible things happen in our lives we have to appreciate our lives, and the people in our lives even more. We're still here so live it.

"We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love."

Maybe a bit corny, but hey, it's my blog.

Phenomenal Woman (just liked the words).

Phenomenal Woman"

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I read this on Dutch Delights blog and liked it, it's all about self confidence, being comfortable in your own skin and, oh yeah, assertiveness. Hope she doesn't mind my plagiarism.

10th July 2008

alycej took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Wants to make a favorable impression and be reward..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

9th July 2008

Today it was the first anniversary of Darren's death. I still find it hard to believe that someone so alive just isn't anymore. I'm spending it by myself. I went to the hospital's Spiritual Centre and lit a candle. I'm not religious at all, I don't believe in God but I do believe there is something more out there. I recently learnt a new word "Multiverse" which makes sense to me in explaining what I believe. Anyway I lit a candle for Darren's spirit, wherever he is now I don't know, but I know he is in a good place. He is not a tormented soul anymore. I'll always be sorry I couldn't save him from himself, I wasn't enough.

My life philosophy (Or at least two of them)

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO what a ride."

"Life is short and you are dead a very long time."

7th July 2008.

My first real attempt at having my own blog, two months ago I didn't know what a blog was.

It is two days shy of being a year since my husband died. I can't believe it has been that long ago and yet, I've grown so much since then. I still miss him terribly, but not like my heart has been ripped out anymore, just a constant sadness I don't think will ever leave me.

I've come to realise it's just me now, there isn't anyone sharing my life anymore. I have my son but he is on the verge of his own life. So if I'm going to be happy and content again it's up to me.

I guess this is like my computer diary, much neater than my real one. I find whenever I go through turmoil in my life I keep a journal, I have been keeping a journal for nearly two years. What does that tell you?

The photo I have posted if about three years old. I used this one because it was from a really happy time in my life, when I really had it all. A happy marriage with my best friend. I think that was the last time I can remember being truely happy and content, a distant memory.